Casey Zak’s Mighty Blog

Posted By Casey on May 15, 2009

The bottom line: JJ Abrams should eat some red matter and then disappear forever into his own asshole.

For the sake of argument, consider all Hollywood film series as lying along an artistic spectrum. At the lowest level of this spectrum would certainly be such series as Police Academy Harold and Kumar. Perhaps slightly higher might be the Bond films, and also Final Destination and Scream series.

Moviegoers expect little of such films, as little was ever promised or delivered. Cornball jokes, flashy action, and a bit of skin suffice to satisfy. You can’t really criticize such films for lacking more; you have only yourself to blame if you ever expected more.

But then there are films of cultural value. These rare and precious films awe our eyes and enrich our sense of the moral substance of the human experience. The Godfather series, the original Star Wars trilogy, the Terminator trilogy, and a few precious others might arguably fit in this class.

I would argue that large portions of the Star Trek series have serious cultural value. Among the films, I think that Star Trek’s II, IV, VI, Generations, and First Contact are all in this league. I think that many of the original series and TNG episodes are also in this league, for three main reasons.

To me, the greatest single reason that Star Trek has such value is for its ability to take familiar moral problems and then present them in a new context which makes them seem both clearer and more idealistically charged. Consider the moral problem of killing whales, which many biologists would argue are intelligent, sentient creatures. In Star Trek IV, we are encountered with belligerent aliens who befriended whales, and who provide external condemnation for our whale-killing immorality. Star Trek VI offers illuminating parallels to the post Cold War detente.

A second great merit of Star Trek is it’s creative but realistic suppositions of new technologies. Transporters, warp drive, phasers, and communicators are among the more familiar forms. But there are also viruses that rewrite the genetic code, “Dyson spheres”, solar sails, and other more advanced efforts to be creative but also consistent with physics.

The final reason that Star Trek occasionally yields top quality film is simply the quality of writing. Characters have plausible relations and motivations, and complex plot threads are woven together into a fair tapestry (consider the episodes “All Good Things” or “Cause and Effect”, or “Star Trek VI”).

The new Star Trek movie fails in all these respects. JJ Abrams’ “Star Trek” is a morally vapid, technologically spurious, and hamfistedly written mess with two plot holes for every wormhole.

There are no real moral conundrums faced by anyone in the film. The writers intended to make it morally relevant by blowing up Vulcan, which was supposed to evoke 9-11. Yet for all the moral weight in the stories of 9-11 itself, “Star Trek” misses it all. Spock faces a decision to risk the Enterprise to save the Vulcan elders, but this is hardly labored on his part. Unlike the trapped firefighters on 9-11, Spock can just beam back out of Vulcan. Like most decisions in the film to sacrifice or kill, this one was quick and straightforward.

Then there’s the film’s tech problems. First there is “red matter”. What the hell is “red matter”? It has no scientific basis. Does it carry some sort of space-AIDS or something? Why not just use goofy fairies to blow up the planet? There would be about as much science to it.

Then there is the Romulan mining ship. The mining ship has, most importantly: a drill. And then about 3,000 other squid-like appendages sticking out in front of it. Why does a mining ship, or any ship for that matter, need thousands of squiddy tentacles? Why isn’t a drill sufficient?

Finally, and most fatally, the film has two plotholes for every worhmhole (and only because it has tons of wormholes). Consider the evil Romulan Nero and his space traveling mining ship. First, Nero arrives some 26 years before Kirk ever sets foot on the Enterprise to get in a fight with Kirk’s dad. It takes him 26 years to get from that fight to Vulcan and blow it up, even though Starfleet can get from Earth to Vulcan in a matter of seconds. What the hell is up with that?

Apparently, Captain Christopher Pike wrote his thesis on the original encounter with Nero where papa Kirk died. Did he ever mention, like, “Because this thing is really dangerous and super slow moving, we should maybe go attack it some time before it gets to Vulcan?” And why is it such a surprise when the thing finally shows up there? Wasn’t it headed there for 26 years?

Anyways, the crew don’t go after the Romulan squid until right as Kirk is getting a hearing over the Kobayashi Maru scenario (the one decent-feeling part of the film). Unfortunately, Kirk isn’t allowed into space to go after the Romulan squid, so McCoy has to sneak him on to the Enterprise. While Kirk is there, Captain Pike gives him a spontaneous field promotion to first officer. What kind of ridiculous crap is that? “Captain, we have a stowaway.” “Good, promote him to first officer.” Isn’t Starfleet supposed to be like a space navy? When would that ever happen in a real navy?

Then Vulcan finally gets blown up, and a pissy Spock beams Kirk to an ice moon that used to orbit it. Kirk then gets chased by a super-big polar bear and then a giant squid (WTF? A giant squid on an ice moon? Isn’t it enough that the ship looks like a squid?), until he is saved by Spock from the future, who super-magically just happens to be in the right place at the right time.

The two of them go for a walk, and who should they bump into but Scotty?!?! What the hell! Every original crew member, just randomly in the right place at the right time.

Then Uhura decides she should slut it up with Spock because his planet died, despite Kirk’s clear territorial claim on Uhura. Apparently Uhura has a soft spot for people with exploding planets, because no other romance is established between the two. She and Princess Leia should lez it up some time.

Then there’s a butload of shooting things in space.

Then old Spock gives advice to young Spock. “Do what you feel.” Yes, thousands of years of Vulcan philosophy, endless philosophical contemplations, and old Spock finally discovers that yielding to one’s id is morally best. Nothing could be more contrary to Vulcan character (or human moral character, for that matter).

JJ Abrams famously remarked that the film is “not for Trekkies.” Well JJ, this Trekkie humbly requests that you disappear into your own buthole and let a decent director make the next Star Trek.

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Posted By Casey on April 23, 2009

The Case for a Federalism Amendment

Abolish the income tax! What a great idea! Why didn’t I think of that! Oh, I know. There’s a few more realistic proposals that I’m pushing first:

1. “Feminist” should mean “Woman who likes to pay for dinner and drinks.”
2. Similar to the “tooth fairy”, a “handjob fairy” should be commissioned.
3. “I’ve had a lot to drink,” should be acceptable excuse for speeding.

Presidential Poison

Clearly Obama does not understand principles. If he did, he would understand why prosecuting sadistic torturers is bad!

I’m with the WSJ. In fact, I have an idea. I should not be held accountable for school debts incurred serving our nation during the Bush administration. Out of principle, I won’t be paying back my student loans. We’ll see how that works.

Obama among the Dictators

Why is Obama smiling with Hugo Chavez? Doesn’t he understand that countries like Venezuela, Syria, and Iran want to be liberated just like Iraq?

He should be blankly staring into space while in the same room as Chavez. Then he can show his dominance by making chest-puffing threats towards Chavez while doing nothing to actually inhibit him.

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Posted By Casey on March 27, 2009

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Posted By Casey on March 26, 2009

Pierre Ouimet, 37, faces more than just death penalty charges as his trial begins today. He faces the wrath of an angered nation over the largest prison abuse scandal that the nation has ever seen.

For nearly a year, rumors of Ouimet’s offenses circulated among an incredulous public. Prisoners were being served, “Eggs benedict with runny hollandaise”, “Lumpy foie gras pate,” and even, “Curdled creme brulee.”

The public initially rejected these stories out of hand. “This cannot be so,” opined Francois L’yotard, editor of the Paris Le Snoot. “Any self-respecting chef would rather tournee his manhood than serve runny hollandaise.”

But undercover investigations revealed, “Goat cheese tart with undercooked shallots,” “Filet mignon served medium well,” and even, “Croque monsieur with emmental in place of gruyere.”

“Boil him in oil!” shouted a milieu of Marseillease, “being careful to preserve both crispy skin and juicy meat!”

“Poach him in boiling water!” shouted a panoply of Parisiennes, “until the outside is just softly cooked, but the inside remains warm and creamy!”

“Roast him on a spit!” cried an aggregation of Alsatians, “turning steadily to ensure even cooking!”

Fortunately for the criminal, the penalties for incompetent cookery are specified by the Napoleonic code. “The offender is to be rubbed with salt, hung in a high and dry alpine environment to cure for at least three years, and then displayed outside Le Cordon Bleu as a warning to the public.”

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Posted By Casey on March 25, 2009

Breakfast

Bloody mary, extra horseradish
Irish Coffee

Lunch

Three martinis, extra olives
Sidecar

Dinner

One bottle white wine
One bottle red wine
Pate on crackers
One bottle port wine
One bottle sherry wine

After-Dinner

Scotch and Soda
Scotch on Rocks
Scotch with Scotch
Cocktail Peanuts

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. How do I get protein in this diet?
A. Put blue cheese in martini olives.

Q. What if I don’t like scotch?
A. Fuck you.

Q. How can someone possibly function on such a diet?
A. It is only suitable for particular jobs — politician, banker, or FEMA director to name a few.

Q. How fast will I lose weight on this diet?
A. What?

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Posted By Casey on March 24, 2009

In defiance of a trend thought banished since mythological times, it appears that humans are now once again vulnerable to deadly dragon attacks.

“I told them,” said Pinky Finkle, heavily freckled head of his local Dungeons and Dragons chapter. “I told them what would happen unless I, the mighty paladin mage, were offered a choice virgin. Now let them all reap the whirlwhind.” Finkle apparently found relations with the opposite sex to be unachievable through other means.

“Oh no!” said Foko Fukujira, mayor of Tokyo. “Not again! Gojira very bad for Tokyo!” Citizens of Tokyo could be seen running hurriedly about, covering their heads with newspapers, haphazardly bumping into one another with no particular sense of direction.

Surely, during a time of global financial crisis, a new spate of dragon attacks are the last thing that humanity needs. Yet some speculate that excessive industrial activity during the previous economic bubble is directly responsible. “Perhaps we should not have spewed aerosolized dimethyl mercury onto komodo dragon eggs, and then breeded the fiercest of survivors in an effort to create new cosmetic products,” said Koto Matsuhisa. “Oh well!”

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Posted By Casey on March 21, 2009

After an 89-69 rout by Villanova, many UCLA Bruins basketball players seemed deeply troubled.

“I blame God!” shouted Josh Shipp, blasting a 12-gauge shotgun skyward. “Take that, you bastard!”

“Obviously, all those inner city kids I helped out didn’t do anything for me,” noted Darren Collison as he ran through Compton, stealing ice cream cones from children and then throwing them at old people.

“Coach said basketball was good as vampirism,” said forward Nikola Dragovic. “Now I find coach and suck his blood!” Dragovic shouted, flashing a menacing set of canines.

Surprisingly, Jrue Holiday was unconcerned. “With basketball season over, I can continue repairing my first name. Remember — it used to be Xq4ue. Jrue is a lot better, but there’s still room for improvement.”

Rival USC players were jubilant over the Bruin’s loss. “I carry with me the power of a great monument of marble,” noted Taj Gibson. “I’m not concerned with the godless child-hating vampires with broken first names over in Brentwood.”

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Posted By Casey on March 8, 2009

Okay, there obviously has to be some problem with these. But what?

1. Nested Concentric Toroidal Solenoids

A “toroidal solenoid” magnet looks like a slinky whose ends have been joined into a donut. In an ordinary solenoid, force is applied down the core of the solenoid. So if you put a piece of iron in the middle of a solenoid, it will be accelerated in the direction of the solenoid’s magnetic field, as shown below.

Now imagine this: form two toroidal solenoids out of permanently magnetized material. Take one toroidal solenoid, and then stick the smaller one inside it with opposite polarization. What should result is a system of counter-spinning donuts which continually accelerate against one another.

Why wouldn’t this work?

2. Capillary Dynamo

When a small diameter tube is inserted partway into a fluid, the fluid will climb partway up the tube due to “capillary action” (depending on the liquid and tube materials and the tube diameter; sometimes capillary action can actually push fluid down).

Capillary action is fundamental in nature: it is used by plants to lift fluid from ground level, sometimes hundreds of feet up to treetops.

So how about this: Use a series of capillaries to gradually lift a fluid from a base reservoir to an elevated one. Then use standard gravity-feed technology to drive an electric generator as the fluid returns to the base.

I have some intuition that the capillary action might lower the temperature of the fluid (hence requiring energy input), and that the system might have a very low energy yield anyways.

But could such a system work?

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Posted By Casey on March 6, 2009

The Feb jobs losses are about to come out as I write this. Consensus seems to be that we’ll trim 500-800k jobs, and unemployment will creep up to 7.8%-8.1%. (Update: 655K lost, 8.1% unemp. Watch markets tank again today.)

For this toboggan ride to stop, a recovery has to come from somewhere. I’ll tell you where it won’t come from — American consumer spending.

Any economist will tell you that to increase consumption, you need to increase the wealth of those who spend the quickest. Our current system does exactly the opposite. A huge percentage of young and low-income Americans are struggling just to make interest payments on mortgages and student loans. About half of Americans under age 35 have negative net worth. Until these debts are diminished, these folks won’t be buying much of anything.

The Obama mortgage plan is a very conservative approach to fixing this problem. It lets people get their heads just barely above water in a situation where the water (income to debt ratios) is still rising rapidly. It will keep millions in their homes, but won’t do a whole lot to stimulate consumption.

Meanwhile the rich, who tend to spend much less of newly acquired income, are watching their wealth deteriorate along with the lots of the indebted poor. Their consumption will decline as well, though not by as much.

With consumption declining, there is no reason to make any sort of large new business investments. Without these investments, a smaller labor force is needed. This spiral of wealth destruction will continue until its root cause is repaired.

This is exactly what I think will happen. I think that unemployment will keep increasing, perhaps with a small blip created by Obama’s stimulus. I think the stock market will keep falling. I don’t see any sort of rock solid bottom until maybe Dow 3,000 or so (China still needs our raw materials, after all). I think we’ll see massive corporate defaults in the next 12 months — Moody’s thinks that maybe 20% of at-risk companies (those with less than A credit ratings) will go bust in that interval.

So here’s my call for January 2009. 10-15% unemployment, Dow between 3,000-5,000. And unless huge government action is taken, things will continue getting worse from there.

What this country really needs is inflation. One of the primary features of the Great Depression was an era of deflation that made individual debt burdens utterly crushing. WWII saw huge domestic inflation, which reduced the real value of private debt obligations and got the economy rolling again (see chart below). I’d propose a partial debt holiday of some kind that goes well beyond Obama’s mortgage plans. It will cause a temporary transfer of wealth from the richest to the poorest Americans. But it will create conditions for long term growth that benefit everyone.

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Posted By Casey on February 25, 2009

Any honest intellectual who witnessed the nervous, incoherent, and pandering response of Bobby Jindal could only come to one conclusion — the Republican party is now lost at sea, adrift in the doldrums, wandering with senseless hope that favorable winds will soon return.

They have stalled out completely, lacking any sort of political vision. Political momentum builds from the marriage of appealing rhetoric with successful policy. Present Republicans pair appalling rhetoric with failed policy, no recipe for short or long term success.

Yet regardless of their ideological impotence, the party still has a purpose. The core Republican values of independence and moral assertiveness are still as fundamentally American as ever. They have just been blurred in translation to public policy. The present positions — no government is good government, no taxes are good taxes — are both unfashionable and discredited. The Goebbelian political management of the party, which machines intellectual incompetents into marketable public figures, is equally outmoded.

The Republican party is ripe for political overturn. It is ripe for a competent young candidate to rise to prominence with a new set of issues. To compete with Obama-era Democrats, these issues must advance the Republic itself. I’m guessing this will involve government financing of religious charities, new military investments, simplified taxation, and broad-based reform of welfare programs (healthcare, social security, and unemployment).

The current Republican party is unsustainably weak but ultimately necessary. It’s a sad situation to be sure. But it is also an alluring situation for strong-minded and ambitious individuals. For the sake of the nation, I hope some young upstarts work their way to the fore by 2012. Otherwise we’ll be stuck with Palin-Jindal, which would be no better for the nation than for the party.

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